My bag took a tumble down the escalator as I made my way to airport security. Before being intercepted by a man, I watched in horror that I could possible take down someone before his or her flight. I could just read the headlines, “Girl loses control of suitcase, injures 1”.
The scene at the airport, especially around this time of the year, is usually one of complete and utter chaos. You have your novice fliers, those who are just headed to grandma’s house, their one trip of the year. Then you have your families, clustered together with a mom just hoping all will go smoothly with the three year old. And of course there are the expert travelers, those who have done this before, usually in a mad dash, and in this case, losing their suitcases on escalators they are in such a hurry.
While the holidays can be a stressful time in the airport, I have managed to get through these chaotic spaces unscathed. I guess I can’t say the same for the people I have tried to take down with my suitcase. While I might not be George Clooney in Up in the Air, I do know how to breezy through an airport in the quickest of fashions. It usually involves avoiding several types of personalities. However, there are those people, those who make this impossible at times. These are the people I can’t stand in airports.
The Middle of The Road Saunterers
I encountered one of these just a few days ago. A mother of two and with her husband gets into the security line and decides this is the time to sightsee. She keeps stopping to look all around, as though she has never been in an airport. A whole line waits behind her with different stress levels. Some are worried about making tight connections while others like me enjoy the peace and clam that comes post security.
The middle of the road saunterers usually pick the middle of a walkway, escalator or line to just relax and enjoy the scenery. They are out for a Sunday drive in the airport apparently. These are people you must avoid at all costs and spot a mile up the road. If you are battling a tight connection, they could be your downfall. Middle of the road saunterers, please step to the side and saunter. You are not the only one trying to get somewhere.
Even this goat knows to step to the side on Mount Evans
Bluetooth Chatterboxes
The Bluetooth chatterboxes usually get to the gate and stand with their carry-on suitcase and laptop, chatting about some meeting that needs to take place or how Bill should have sent in the files. Why do you need a Bluetooth when you aren’t driving? If you are stationary, would it really be too much trouble to hold a phone to your ear so I know you aren’t just talking to yourself?
The Bluetooth Chatterboxes sometimes talk into their Bluetooth while in airport security. This is equally troublesome for yet again I think you are talking to me or to yourself. I once witnessed a woman chatting endlessly on her Bluetooth as she entered an airport bathroom stall. Can’t the conversation wait so that flushing toilets aren’t the background music? Airports are not always appreciated, often glazed over with Bluetooth conversations. Get off your Bluetooth. The meeting can wait and Bill will send the files. Watch the world of emotions going on around you.
Gate Hoverers
Gate hoverers only belong in one place, somewhere far, far below the earth. When the airport attendant gets on the speaker to announce the order for boarding, that isn’t your sign to get up and hover. When the airport attendant gets on a second time to tell you to please sit down until your boarding number is called, that is still not the time to get up and hover.
Gate hoverers truly only make the process worse. I know you are overly concerned about overhead space or perhaps you just can’t stand to have someone in front of you, but take a seat. You are delaying the departure of this plane and probably someone trying to weave through your grouping to get to their own gate.
A sunset hovering over the gate hoverers at DIA
The Power Tripping Security Agent
I walked up to airport security a few months ago. The security agent asked me if I had flown before. I said, “Yes, don’t worry. I don’t have a full-sized bottle of shampoo in my bag that I will be shocked when you take it away.” He responded, “I’m guessing that has happened to you before.” No, sir. The power tripping security agent usually lacks a sense of humor and will insult your intelligence in the process. They make some comment, knowing full well you have to grin and bear it.
I always look for the security line without these agents, but sometimes they are unavoidable. They can make you cry. They can make you angry. They are best avoided to ensure a pleasant airport experience.
Go ahead, open up my bag officer. I pack light!
Who can’t you stand at the airport?
The Middle of The Road Saunterers are my nemesis, maybe if I didn’t cut it so close on my flights every time it wouldn’t be so bad.
Abigail
I have to go with those that walk in the middle of the airport. As someone with kids, I am aware how slow they can walk so I try to stay to one side. If it is just me traveling, I will fly right past you so get out of my way! 🙂
When I travel with kids, I am a cross between the experienced traveler and the family traveler. That can be an ugly combination as I walk fast dragging kids behind me.
I do have some sympathy for the gate hoverers. When it is just me traveling, I never ever check luggage. I can travel for a month and never check luggage. So let’s be honest – I deserve overhead bin space. And it ticks me off when people who checked 2 bags wants to take up my overhead space as well when I packed light. I have no desire to check my bag at the gate because there is no more room. It defeats the purpose. I stay clear of the gate but if I can be the first in line for my zone and get some overhead space, I will take it. Because I pack light (and this isn’t anything against anyone who doesn’t but I do it for a reason), I’ve gotten off a plane and to my car in the economy parking lot in less than 15 minutes. So part of the blame for this has to go to the airlines for ripping us off with baggage fees.
And while this isn’t the airport, I am going to extend my complaint a little to the airplane. People that make me angry – those sitting in the back of the plane who put their bags in the overhead bins at the front of the planes. REALLY???? Now where are the people in the front supposed to put their bags? Why not put it in the area where you are sitting rather than being selfish and lazy?
Those crazy Bluetooth people are not at the airport – they constantly freak me out when I am shopping. Some guy was standing behind me in line the other day, just chatting away to himself. Seriously? You are SO BUSY that you don’t have time to take out a phone and hold it? Someone should tell them how truly ridiculous they look.
Bluetooth chatterboxes and gate hoverers must go! this is awesome to read as I’m in the airport right now….spotting them.
The “Oh, this isn’t my seat? Well can you just take the middle seat so I don’t have to move?” guy. No sir, I don’t want to split my family up just because you didn’t book a seat ahead of time. Urgh!
I really dislike gate hoverers too, but sometimes I find you have to stand closer to the area than you need to because the gate sound system is so bad you can’t possibly make out what the agent is saying. Of course, you don’t need to stand in front of the loading door.
I HATE gate hoverers. HATE them. I mean, by that point, everyone is going to get on the plane anyway. No need to get your panties in a twist.
The people that let their children roam as free as buffalo on the plains. I don’t know this kid, so why is he/she talking to me and 600 yards away from his/her parents. The best was the kid who set off the security alarm opening the door for loading. Supervision fail.
This is really hilarious. You opened my eyes to the middle of the road saunterers, whom I’ve seen before but hadn’t given much thought to. They do just walk around slowly looking fascinated with the ceiling, the floor and everything in between, don’t they?
I had an unforgettable experience with a bluetooth man (or in this case headset with cord attached to the cell phone man) maybe 10 years ago on one flight. He had the window seat and I the aisle, and for maybe 10 or 15 minutes before the flight took off, he sat there talking quietly nonstop. At first I thought he was speaking to me, but when I turned and looked at him he was looking straight ahead, still talking. So then I figured he was a harmless, lonely guy talking to himself. Then he started saying “I love you” and other such sweet nothings. That got me worried. Was I sitting next to a man with multiple personalities? Finally I saw the little cord running from the phone hidden in his lap up to his right ear, which was up against the window so I couldn’t see it. Whoosh! I guess he was just talking to his girlfriend, after all 🙂
The people that drive me the most crazy are those who get to the front of the security line or boarding gate agent and THEN start to look for their boarding pass, holding up everyone behind them. I also get impatient with those who take their time putting their luggage in the overhead bin, taking their jacket off, and getting settled in their seat. Meanwhile, the line trying to get to their seats gets longer and longer.
These people drive me nuts too. You know what you need, just get it all out and ready. I mean it’s not like you haven’t been waiting in line for the past 30 min with nothing else to do.
As someone said above, I can’t stand people who play dumb about what seat they occupy. Last week flying home from Vegas I was on the aisle and the window seat passenger was already seated. The middle seat lady approaches, indicates she is on our row, and then looks at me totally dumbfounded that I am actually “making” her sit in the middle. I believe in chivalry, but not when it comes to the middle seat…
Or the people who try to sit in *my* aisle seat instead of their window seat. “Wouldn’t you rather have the window?”, they say. And then get miffed when I point out that if I’d wanted the window I’d have booked the window. Sometimes I even get the whine “But the aisles were all taken when I booked..” as if that somehow legitimizes trying to steal *my* seat.
Definitely met the security agent!
I’ve had next to no security guys with power trips. None that I recall, which I suppose means none. People who lollygag along, or stand in the middle of the escalator, as if the airport is a tourist attraction bother me somewhat, but I’ve learned that they respond well to a loud “excuse me!” from directly behind them.
But by FAR the worst is the people who are incapable of mastering the concept of putting your carryon away so the door will close, NOT crushing the luggage that’s already there, or standing in the aisle farting around while people queue up behind them. Those people are closely followed by the JERKS with too much carryon that can’t control it and smack the people already sitting down with it.
People who can’t read their boarding pass and *insist* you’re in their seat are annoying but mildly funny. I’ve found that not being able to speak English (I’m fluent in Swedish and have mastered the art of looking stubborn and confused at the same time) totally messes with those people. Especially when they eventually go get a flight attendant for help and I politely explain to the flight attendant that the guy is trying to sit in 12C when his seat is 13C. 🙂
But it’s all worth it. It’s thousands of times better than not traveling. And I travel out of a great airport (DEN) so most of my rants (except for the on-the-plane ones) don’t apply here.
Hilarious! I can never un-see these now 🙂
There’s also the people that need to prop their feet up on everything. That bugs me.