I sit in a dark pub sipping Smithwicks as I receive a few stares. As a woman traveling alone, walking into a pub in Ireland is not the easiest thing for me to do. I believe it is the idea of wanting to involve myself in pub culture, but at the same time I don’t want to attract creeps thinking I am alone for a reason.
I walk into this pub in Doolin, Ireland, perhaps incredibly self-aware and assured, but I fumble. I watch two local twenty-somethings giggle at me as I ask if I can sit anywhere. Of course you can, you pub novice fool. It’s a pub, not a five-star restaurant. I head for a table and I can feel the stares from couples and groups of friends. What is this girl doing here alone? I get these stares not just in pubs, but pretty much everywhere I go in Ireland. I am alone. I am strange and not the “normal” traveler. I make eye contact with these people so the staring eventually stops and their glances are quickly turned as though it was all some pub dream.
My solo travel stare-down retaliation look
At my B&B in Kilkenny, the owner kept commending me on traveling alone as a woman, something she said she could never do. She was always quick to say though I am not special. So many women are traveling solo these days, she would comment. What is it about being alone as a woman? Is it safety? Why is it so brave? I can’t really pinpoint the gender specifics behind it. If women were traveling solo in higher numbers, you would think the stares would cease. However, they don’t. Women traveling alone warrant a few stares that men traveling alone will never know exactly how those stares can feel.
That is the common question I received while traveling around Ireland, “Are you alone?”. My response was always followed by praise or looks of insanity for doing what I am doing, like I just landed on the moon without needing a spacecraft to do so. Despite my annoyance over these questions and the stares, I welcome the stares in hopes it becomes normal to see a woman traveling alone. I think we have become too dependent on others when we travel. If we aren’t with a group, we are the lone zoo animal everyone stops to look at as they pass through the series of cages. I think solo travelers have to blaze the trail so that future solo travelers will not be met with stares.
Dante, Mastering not just the Italian language but also staring
In those stares, I am becoming incredibly independent. You start to not care what people think in a healthy way. You most likely won’t see those staring strangers again. You will move on to the next town where nobody knows your name. There is something freeing about that fact, the freedom in knowing you can be that strange woman traveling alone, but who cares. Move on and be on your way. And perhaps someone surrounded by a group of friends is even inspired by me all by my lonesome that they will try traveling solo.
As I say this, a group of French men take a photograph of me sipping my beer. I am hoping its because they think I am some quaint Irish girl just over from the local village. At least, that is what I will tell myself, coming to a photo album nearest you.
Have you encountered the solo travel stare? Do you think women get more questions about being alone while traveling than men?
Yes, I don’t think men get the attention women do of traveling solo. I think it is equally fair for both of them to do so but there is more intrigue when a woman does it.
I traveled alone just to Oregon and Washington and got the stares, I was planning a trip to Greece but that had to be postponed but I know the stares and I know the comments. I get them from other women who say that they could not do it and how brave I am …I am trying to prove that I am brave as I just came through a divorce and retirement. I could travel with companions but really I am finding it liberating – I took off a couple weeks ago and went to Costa Rica – I did meet friends there but it still qualified as solo travel for the journey. I am going to continue to travel solo and get used to the incredulous stares….love your blog !!! Martha
I am so familiar with this. I never know what to say when someone says, “You’re so brave. I could never do that.” It feels as though they’re really saying, “You’re not too bright.” I agree that there IS freedom in knowing you will not bump into them again. However, as I prepare for my 3 month solo trip to Rome, I guess I’ll have to rethink that a bit because I probably WILL run into the same people time and again. Hmmm, guess I’ll just play this one by ear.
Sounds familiar. I keep on pushing myself to do what I want – independently from what others want to do. I think I’ve learned to handle independency pretty well, but I still notice the stares. The last time was last saturday, when I went to a high rank restaurant next to the lake to order fish and a glass of wine, all by myself. I wasn’t sure if people were staring at me because I was alone or because I didn’t have a rich guy paying for my meal… !!
Aww, I get stared at a lot, too, in Asia. I obviously don’t blend in here, especially when I go to some of the smaller towns by myself. But from my experiences, whenever I return direct eye contact and smile — even though they’re usually not smiling to begin with — they smile back and sometimes start a conversation. Often people are worried that I’m alone — like they’re probably worried that you’re alone — and I actually like that. It’s like strangers are trying to look out for me. Also, Suzy, you probably get a lot of stares just from being a pretty girl.
My very first solo travel experience was at that dude ranch in Bandera. It was a very safe and comfortable way to travel by yourself because there are so many group activities, family style dining, and the people were really friendly. People there didn’t really stare, but whenever somebody told me “Wow! I would never go on a trip by myself! That’s so great of you!” I was thinking how dumb of a comment that was. Sort of like “Too bad you don’t have any friends, but way to go for hanging in there” 🙂 Crazy!
I know the stares from travelling in China though where I stick out because I’m taller, bigger, and blonder than everybody else. I can’t really get used to it either… maybe if I stayed longer, I’d be able to ignore it.
Love your trave stare-down by the way 🙂
I’ll be embarking on my first ‘official’ solo trip in less than a month by way of Lisbon. I’ve always had a sister or a friend to share my travel experiences with, but I must say I’m quite excited by the prospect of moving freely around the city!
I have not yet encountered the solo travel stare, but I plan on it next month! All of my trips thus far have been with at least one friend or more. Next month I break out of the mold. While I won’t be completely alone, there certainly won’t be any familiar faces. I shall embrace the stare 😉
I’ve been a bit of a slow starter when it comes to travel but have been doing more of it the last few years, and I have really wanted to try a trip on my own. Last year, I got a chance to do it with “training wheels” on. My best girlfriend and her husband were going to Ireland to visit relatives and they invited me along, so I went. I spent four days in Dublin on my own, then three days with them driving around, then another couple of days in Dublin. I figured it would be the easiest because 1. no language barrier 2. someone who loves me is within an hour or two of me 3. not long enough for me to really get lonely. It was GREAT. I LOVED being in Dublin on my own. I never once felt nervous (I mean from a safety point of view) and found, like someone said above, that if I smiled at someone, sometimes they would start a conversation with me. For me the best thing about travelling alone is doing whatever you feel like any time you feel like. You can change your plans without impacting anyone – it was an exhilarating feeling to me.
I think one of the big differences is that I am 55. I think when you are an attractive young woman, you are going to get more attention no matter where you are or what you are doing. That same girlfriend and I went on some trips when we were in our twenties and I get nowhere near the amount of attention I used to get. That’s a double-edged sword, in a way :). It’s a lot less likely I am going to get unwanted advances and on the other hand, I think it might be less likely that I will get welcome opportunities to meet people. By the way, I don’t feel any bitterness or anything about this; every age brings advantages and disadvantages.
As for why people think it’s so brave for women to travel alone, I think it is about 90 percent about those unwanted advances and physical safety. I’m no expert but I think that when travelling, you have to have your wits about you a bit more than at home, because in a familiar landscape, you know the unspoken social expectations better and the usual modes of interaction. Away, you have to feel your way along a bit more (like you asking if you could sit anywhere in the pub). I mean, who could instinctually know, for instance, that pointing your feet at someone in Thailand is insulting? It can be discomfiting in ways but worth it in the end I think.
Happy trails to you!
Oh, women TOTALLY get more questions than men. Between asking if you’re abroad looking for a husband or asking if you’re gay, I think the questions are pretty much summeed up. =\ You had it right on the ball, though: The looks are often those of revered praise, or the sideways glance of “This girl is effing nuts.”
I don’t think I’ve ever noticed anyone staring at me for being alone, probably because I’m too lost in my own thoughts or too busy taking pictures of something. But when people remark upon how brave it is for a woman to travel solo, I imagine they’re thinking about all the pervs out there who prey on women who are by themselves. Funny, though, I seem to encounter more pervs like that at home than I do when I travel.
Suzy, I applaud you for traveling solo. I’ve done it in Greece and Spain and it’s been single-handedly the most freeing feeling I’ve experienced. Women don’t have the luxury of slipping around unnoticed–particularly if you have red-hair! There’s always the element of inquisitive, curious men on the streets that solo male travelers don’t have to really worry about. Anyway, good for you for helping pave the way!
Love the photo of you with the beer. Did you end up hanging out with the French travelers? Seems like you’d meet a lot of interesting people in an Irish pub…
i think women get more of that weird stare than men… whenever someone ask if im travelling alone i always say “im meeting a friend” on my destination… 🙂 feels safe doing it… although feels horrible about the fact that i lied…
I could really relate to this post, especially when I was traveling alone in Mexico. I was staying with a Mexican family while studying Spanish and on my third night there they decided to “figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t get a husband.” The fact that I was 26 at the time and not ready to get married, was lost on them as I heard all the possible reasons why I couldn’t get a husband: I was too tall, not a good cook they guessed, too career oriented….Agreed, this needs to stop and now! Women solo travelers should be applauded that they’re living their lives, not ostracized.
You are brave indeed for traveling solo. I’ve been able to do it only once before, but Australia is a wonderfully friendly place and I had a good time. I hear of so many incidents however, that I feel a bit jittery at the thought of doing it again. Thanks for inspiring me.
What kind of incidents? Most problems can be avoided with a little common sense.
This only happened to me once, and that was while in the U.S. I was waiting for an elevator in a hostel, planning to leave, when out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash and saw the same young German girl from the day before snapping my picture and ducking back into her room. To this day I still don’t know what the fuss was all about. Is it the Germans or because she’s young?
I’ve always traveled solo, and I have never understood why men traveling alone don’t even warrant a blink, but women solo travelers tend to hear a cacophony of “you’re so brave!” and “isn’t that dangerous?” over and over again. It really speaks to how internalized our gender stereotypes are, even in societies that are supposedly more “enlightened”. Then again, when I tell people I don’t wear jewelry or wear makeup of any kind, they look at me like I have two heads, so I suppose that I really shouldn’t be too surprised.
Ha – yeah, staring is a constant hazard of traveling around the Middle East alone as a reddish-blonde female. It doesn’t bother me because I realize if I saw men in long white robes and head scarves and women covered from top to toe in black robes at home in the U.S, I would stare too 🙂
Wouldn’t you think that today people would not stare at a woman traveling alone? Women travel alone for business all the time. I travel with my husband for business, but 90% of the time I am on my own to sightsee and have meals. I am used to it I guess so it doesn’t bother me too much. In larger cities, no one seems to notice or care, but in small villages, like where you were, people definitely notice and comment seemingly not to notice how rude they can be by the questions they ask.
Thanks for posting this and keep the great articles coming!